|
|
Saturday, November 28th, 2009
| |
10:58 am
|
|
| Wednesday, November 18th, 2009
| |
9:59 am - hmmm
|
|
| Monday, November 9th, 2009
| |
1:09 pm - I'm watching
|
an episode of Simply Ming, and I swear to god, he's drunk.
See if you can find the "Thai Basil, Butter" episode, and listen to the slurring.
WTF?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, October 14th, 2009
| |
1:07 pm - changes
|
|
| Friday, September 18th, 2009
| |
10:01 am - transport
|
I like things I can't afford. Yet, when I think of jobs I can do that pay a lot, I gag.
My options:
1) Back to computer programming. Ok, well, it probably doesn't pay less than when I did that, but likely not more, and what with outsourcing and a larger pool or qualified applicants, I'd have to fight like hell for a job I hated. Um... no.
2) Male Prostitute. Well, the hours aren't great, and work isn't necessarily steady, but I think with a 6-hour-a-day regimen of running, yoga, pilates, and weightlifting, I could probably firm up enough to be a passable male prostitute. I'm not sure my gf would be thrilled with the idea, and I'd have to let all kinds of standards drop, but assuming $100/h (I have no idea what one would actually get, but that seems safe enough for illegal escorting) I could work 8 hours a week and be totally comfortable.
3) Media god/punk rocker/writer/poet. The only problem is, I'd actually have to FINISH something I worked on. My dead laptop, if recoverable, is a goldmine of interested and sometimes tuneful half-finished ideas.
I dunno... maybe back-to-school for little Robertchik?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Thursday, September 10th, 2009
| |
11:34 am
|
|
I just want to make MORE money. What is valuable to people? What would you pay for voluntarily? There are plenty of ways to get in trouble involuntarily... hm. Hm.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Monday, September 7th, 2009
| |
9:06 pm
|
I've been really emotional lately. There isn't a rational explanation for any of this, I think, but it's pretty intense. I've been reading a lot more, which is terrific, I've been unsure of my job, which is normal for me, I've been super-affectionate toward my gf, which is also great, but little triggers are setting me off and I'm feeling on the verge of tears for no real reason. I have gone huge lengths of time without crying. I mean, I'm a guy, These stretches go for like 5 years at a time.
What the fuck is happening to me? Do I have brain cancer? Prostate cancer? WTF is going on? I'm seriously concerned about this, because honest to god-- sappy movies, love stories, fucking John Denver songs are getting me all worked up.
I'm a lot more isolated, which is a less pansy way of saying, I'm lonelier than I've been in a while (outside of my terrific gf, but that's a totally different type of interaction. I only want one person to fill that romantic emotional need :) ) but I do feel socially less adept than I have in years.
That said, I think it is a contributing factor, I definitely don't think it is the root of this. I'm seriously afraid of finding out I have some sort of tumor on the emotional part of my brain.
In other news, I'm sick of eating. I can't find anything that drives me wild, yet it is a daily need. I need some exciting food.
In other other news, anyone remember Monica Potter? She was in like 50 movies in 2 years, and I haven't heard from her since. She was pretty without being gorgeous, did some comedy, some drama, but I had utterly forgot about her until I randomly thought of her. Then, today, I see "Along Came a Spider" on Flix.
I hope my moment is still ahead of me.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, September 4th, 2009
| |
11:52 am
|
|
I've been reading "Sophie's World" and enjoying it (Thanks, Default!) and realizing that I want to go to school for the sake of it. It's too damned bad that real life gets in the way of that which you'd like to do in order to grow as a person.
|
|
(5 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
| |
1:08 pm
|
I'm not entirely sure I want to cook anymore. I like cooking, but honestly, I look around, and I see people like me are sous chefs, I know a couple of chefs, and then the field disappears-- what happens to all of those driven, talented, ambitious cooks who worked their way up the ladder for a bit? Is it really such a huge gap between sous chef and chef that there is nowhere to go, nothing to do? Where do all of these ex-sous chefs, these ex-chef-de-cuisines go? Do? What working world makes the next sensible step?
I'm just not happy in such a low-paying industry. Of course, once you hit chef, even a shitty job pays comfortably into the middle class, but it's strictly poverty-level wages until then. As much as I hate to admit it, even though I enjoy the work, the directness, the simplicity, the artistic and athletic potential, I don't know that I care about it enough to deal with such limited options financially...
So now, what next?
|
|
(10 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 18th, 2009
| |
6:01 pm
|
I've been having some weird dreams, some nightmares. I saw "The Time Traveler's Wife" yesterday and even though I read the book, even though I knew what was going to happen, even though it wasn't the most perfectly adept at extracting emotion, it totally got to me. I was a misty-eyed little girl at the end. I mean, there are parts of the book/movie that I find to be kind of cheesy, I mean stereotypical women's dramatic novel writing (not that I've read her work in any depth at all, but what I take Jodi Picoult to be), but that probably keeps the books moving and the numbers up. The way she deals with mortality, however, displays a deft touch with the most profound experiences most of us will experience.
I don't know; I've been really low, really moody lately, with little manic bursts of ok and productive. I try to throw myself into work, which usually hides my issues if not solving them, but I'm just not that into it. I don't feel like I'm on the track I'm supposed to be on, and it definitely doesn't feel like the "leadership role" and "management training" that I was led to believe a month or two earlier. I think my work is filled with people that want to do a good job, make some money, and feel ok about the food they make. It's not a bad situation at all. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do next. I've become a much better cook, but not at all a better chef; my brain is starving for stimulation. I do like what's been happening in terms of the pure athleticism of cooking, but I read books that should take a week in a few hours; I pore through books I've read and get super-anxious, and I dismiss fluffier reads with actual anger.
I want to go to what I always imagined school to be, but not what it really is. I wish there were schools for people like me, but they would probably be far too indulgent of me even if they existed. Actually, that would sort of be the point of them: tell me that I am special while putting me through the paces of actually getting better and learning more, and perhaps, how to effectively APPLY some of that learning. I'm like a sponge that doesn't wring out-- sort of semi-useful, but definitely only doing half of the job.
I went to the library to get books on:
cooking, basic electrical devices, refrigeration, whatever I could find by Neil Gaman because I really enjoyed American Gods, maybe something basic on philosophy, because quite honestly, I read a page or so and then all I see is "unprovable bullshit on repeat" but that is largely my own ignorance, house repair basics, fashion history, and everything else that caught my eye.
The nearest branch closed yesterday for repairs. I stood outside, and felt a disappointment so profound I almost sat down and gave up. I wish there were some point in giving up-- some statement, some rebellion. I thought there was; I gave up on economically prosperous work because it reeked of corruption and greed and exploitation. I've given up on more relationships than I care to count, and of course every hurt or hardship I've put other people through is weighing heavily on me. I'm racked with a constant low-level guilt. I've given up on completing my education, partially because even if I do finish, what good will it do me? Will I be a more whole human being? Will I make more money? Will I be intrinsically better? I am kicking around ideas of going back, but probably in CA. There is less and less keeping me here, as friends and lovers and acquaintances all slip away.
Giving up hasn't actually gotten me anywhere, but it did at least get me off the track of misery that I'd been pursuing. That was a long time ago. If you want things to happen, you have to make them happen. Perhaps magic and magical thinking work for some people, but I am not one of them.
It occurred to me that games we play as children-- Monopoly, Risk, etc., aren't pastimes. They are training manuals for dehumanizing and un-moralizing our thinking. I wrote this somewhere, but possibly in a short story I started but will likely not finish. Games teach us to hurt others in order to win for ourselves. I hate games, and always have. It revulsed me to do sketchy things in order to beat my sweet mom or little sisters in a game, but that is what is required to win. This is why gentler nations die off and are taken over. We love violence, and trickery, and dishonesty. There are a lot of reasons to be good at these things. I'm not innocent of that behavior, and I feel like shit most of the time because of my own exploration of those qualities.
I don't care who, if anyone, reads this. I feel a little better for having written it. I'm going to mope and ruminate and try to kill some time and find some happiness.
|
|
(3 comments | comment on this)
|
| Tuesday, August 4th, 2009
| |
12:39 am - bkbbnm
|
This has been one of the most emotionally exhausting days of my entire life.
At least as of 39 minutes ago it is over. My sister is now a mother, my personal life is in semi-turmoil, and my professional life is still murky.
This is the shit journals were made for.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Friday, July 31st, 2009
| |
11:15 am - Trudging slowly over
|
wet sand? no. ten years or so-- yes.
They say it's always darkest before dawn, and while that's a horrible cliche, don't you think that people eventually start to notice patterns? It's worse when you half-adapt to the patterns you see, and you see signs for something, recognize it as such, and then remember some adage and react inappropriately anyway.
Every day is a big day.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Monday, July 13th, 2009
| |
10:57 am - Saw Bruno last night
|
It was weird--
it wasn't a good movie, but I felt laughter being almost involuntarily ripped out of my body by the extremity and absurdity of the situations presented.
Painful, but sort of worthwhile. Very well paced, if nothing else.
|
|
(1 comment | comment on this)
|
| Thursday, July 9th, 2009
| |
3:26 pm
|
|
| Saturday, June 13th, 2009
| |
1:47 am
|
ok one more thing--
Sex Decoy- Love Stings
Ridiculous, exploitative, nonsensical reality show
this woman runs a detective agency/sting operation
(1: Entrapment)
with her daughters
(2: worst parent ever? No, but top 100, definitely)
named Jasmine, Kashmir, and Xanadu
(3: ok, top 10)
the fattest of whom seems to be a stripper.
(4: No comment. Seriously, what can you say to that?)
Dear Fox,
get off the fucking air.
<3,
-Robert
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| |
12:28 am
|
So my gf is gone for a couple of days. I am working, and I got 2 cookbooks so I am fairly well entertained. I need to find someone with laptop expertise, because I want to see if my Dell can be salvaged, but Microcenter wants 2 weeks and $70 to even look at it. I don't blame them, but if it's a total loss, I don't want to add $70 to the total loss.
I'm having an identity crisis. This may seem lame, but it's a cooking identity crisis. It seems that all roads lead to France, but some of the food/technique, I'm just not feeling. There are things done to vegetables that don't seem right sometimes, and even Michel Richard (very French background, but the cooking style is all his own) said something along the lines of in French cooking, a potato can't just be a potato-- you have to turn it into a mushroom first.
So on the one hand, extraordinarily fussy food is less appealing to me, especially as honestly, it will all turn into poop anyhow. I honestly find it depressing that my best work will someday end up in a sewer someday. On the other hand, while I love rustic, regional cooking, with big flavors and interesting vegetable/meat choices, it can degrade quickly into mediocrity. A little laziness and suddenly, your braise is overdone, your veggies poorly cut, your sauces not seasoned correctly. Your senses are overwhelmed by garlic, cheap wine, and ridiculous folk costumes. There is no happy ending here, unless you like big women and vicious regional limitations.
It is frustrating: shortcuts like lemon juice, garlic, parm, truffle oil, and even butter, can take ok or mediocre dishes and make them palatable. Same for shallots, chives, caramelized onions, and smoking anything. Don't get me wrong-- I like all these flavors, but they are an easy answer to the complex question of "What tastes good?" Cultures outside of the Western canon are inspired and flavorful, but no less immune to the disease. Scallions, garlic, and ginger are a fabulous combination, but when you start with that, add a sweet/spicy sauce, and maybe add mushrooms, then you are falling into the formulaic rut that makes food that appeals to the palate just fine, but leaves the brain and sense of adventure a little flat.
Am I like the porn addict, so desensitized by indulgence that he has to find weirder and weirder things to stay turned on, or the drug addict who tolerates more and more in order to chase that first high all over again?
The first thing that springs to mind is to stop eating, and humiliate myself with some unpresupposing food.
Well, I've tried that. Crappy food still pisses me off. I could not eat for 3 or 4 days, but if breaking my fast with a McDonald's hamburger was my only choice, you know I'd resent it. I mean, I'd eat the hell out of it, along with 5 or 6 of its brothers, but I'm saying, I'd critique the sweet/salty/cheese flavor, too much sugar and not enough beefy umami, and how utterly unsatisfying it is on its own.
The New American thing, which in my mind, has roots in Italian cuisine maybe a little moreso than a lot of others, can be the simplest, purest, most succinct expression of great ingredients to whom justice has been done. Sometimes, though, it's a random fish, a lot of corn, and $30 per plate price tags for something that I more or less could have done at home with a cookbook and a little patience. Again, not always true by any stretch, but it's so hard to not throw in the bad with the good when you never know what a particular dish at a particular restaurant will end up being.
So the question is, what now?
I'm not sure I'm patient enough for Japan, parochial enough for Italy, fussy enough for France, or humble enough for Buffalo. I have so goddamned much to learn, but I know that what I have learned has some value. I just wish I knew which direction to go in next. I know I need to get out and eat. When I was dating Sarah, we hit a lot of places, and between the two of us, had a pretty good idea of who was doing what, where. When I dated Kimberly, we elevated each other's insights and figured things out that would have been damned near impossible for either of us to do on our own. We were best as a team. Chelsea has a good palate, and her ability to embrace the basic, as well as find the flaws in the pretentious, keep my seasoning and technique under constant scrutiny, in a good way. It's like finding out what people think, right or wrong, without the gradual brainwashing that can happen after too much restaurant food, where of course berries are served with sweetened creme fraiche, and that summer squash is used as much as possible (because it takes up space and is really, really cheap) and by adding (balsamic reduction, truffle oil, outlandish aioli, rare evoo) some middle-of-the-road dish is transformed into that special meal that never turns out quite right when you try it at home.
I'll probably burn lots of potential bridges with this line of thought, but honestly, do you ever imagine that with a little technique, a lot of thought, and a whole shit-ton of trial-and-error, a more daring, honest, and slightly alienating cuisine is possible? Or perhaps, many of them? I say alienating because as flavors becme more distinct, they become less universal. Of course, if meat tastes like garlic, tomato sauce, and parmaggiano reggiano, it is universally easy to love. Once these meats start tasting like themselves, some will love, some will be indifferent toward, and some will be mildly disgusted be them. But they will know.
Ok, time to go to sleep and do it all again tomorrow.
-R
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, June 10th, 2009
| |
10:46 am - http://www.comfortwipe.com/
|
|
| Thursday, May 28th, 2009
| |
6:19 pm
|
"Donnie Darko's writer and director, Richard Kelly, has stated that he has no involvement with S. Darko. He stated "To set the record straight, here's a few facts I'd like to share with you all -- I haven't read this script. I have absolutely no involvement with this production, nor will I ever be involved."[4] Chris Fisher, director of S. Darko, noted that he was an admirer of Kelly's film, and that he hoped "to create a similar world of blurred fantasy and reality."[5]"
S. Darko.
Totally unnecessary.
In other news, have you ever had weird experiences with friends, and not known how to approach/talk again?
I recently have recovered from one of those, but there is another that I desperately want to fix, but holy shit is it complicated.
I'm sorry I haven't done better. Really. Starting is the hardest part?
|
|
(comment on this)
|
| Wednesday, May 6th, 2009
| |
10:48 am - Yeah
|
So, I wasn't super-enthralled with SoCal, but I did like parts of it. The sprawling was unbelievable; miles and miles of suburbs and mini-malls and enormous malls, gas station and an abundance of fast food chains. I feel like the area has moments of beauty, but could have been made more... concise.
I adore San Francisco. I adore it because I loved some of it and hated some of it and it was big and crowded and beautiful and smelly and fun and scary (not crazy scary, just... off-putting. LOTS of homeless) and I could see myself living there.
Problems:
I cook for money.
There are lots of people who do that anyway, and SF is a mecca.
That means
glut of workers * higher barriers to entry = less pay for harder work.
That is a potentially troublesome equation.
It is one I have to solve before moving on,, but we shall see...
|
|
(2 comments | comment on this)
|
| Friday, May 1st, 2009
| |
9:02 am - CA is big
|
And I think I really like SF.
Didn't even make it to downtown LA
So much to do.
Be good.
|
|
(comment on this)
|
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fadeintofocus's journal